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You know
stormkpr and her crazy prompts, right? Well, here's another one:
Serenity is passing through an area of space that is completely controlled by religious fundamentalists. They are appalled at the fact that unmarried men and women live together abroad Serenity and are demanding that everyone on the ship (except the Shephard) get married. If they don't comply, they will destroy the ship. Describe some highlights of the day.
And here's the result. More Crack!fic.
TITLE: Like a horse and carriage
AUTHOR: Angie
FEEDBACK: scotangelina@yahoo.com
DISTRIBUTION: Feel free to take this, just let me know where it's gone.
FANDOM: Firefly
PAIRING: Many unconventional pairings.
SUMMARY: See above prompt.
RATING: PG-13
DISCLAIMER: I’m not Joss.
WORD COUNT: 1,282
Jayne jogged along the gangway towards Inara’s shuttle. Even from a distance away, he could hear the voices: Mal’s low and mocking, Inara’s high and indignant. He slowed as he got nearer, unwilling to get in the middle of whatever they were arguing about this time. He raised his hand and rapped loudly on the door.
“Mal? Mal you’d better get out here. We got a mighty big problem.”
The door opened and Mal came out, Jayne moved to the side to avoid the flying vase that followed him, narrowly missing his head. Jayne’s eyes widened.
“What you been sayin’ to her this time? She don’t usually take to throwin’ her stuff at ya.”
Mal grinned in his usual, devil-may-care way.
“Oh, you know, whores and their mood-swings…never can tell how they’ll…OW!”
Inara’s aim was better with the candlestick which connected solidly with the back of Mal’s head. He rubbed the spot and glared back over his shoulder. He turned back to Jayne, still holding his head.
“You was sayin’ somethin’ about a problem?”
“Yeah. Best you come down and talk to the Shepherd. You too, ‘Nara.”
“I’m not going anywhere if he’s going to be there.” Inara’s voice drifted out of her shuttle.
“I’m tellin’ you. This ain’t no joke. We need everybody in the mess. Now.”
Inara and Mal exchanged glances. Jayne actually looked worried, and that was never reassuring. Inara rolled her eyes and swept past the two men, heading for the dining area. Mal watched her go, his eyebrows knitted together in a frown. Jayne had no time for lovers’ spats.
“Git movin’ Cap’n, we ain’t got a lotta time.”
*****
In the mess, Book was poring over an encyclopaedia when Mal and Jayne entered. Everyone else was already there, seated around the table. Inara pointedly looked away from Mal. Mal looked around the room at the serious faces.
“So, what’s this big problem? Shepherd?”
Book looked up, his face grave.
“It would seem that we’ve stumbled into a part of space we really don’t want to be in.”
Mal quirked an eyebrow.
“Oh really? Last I heard nobody owned the sky. ‘Specially not this far from the Core.”
“True. It’s not owned by anybody. But this particular area appears to have a rather strict group of inhabitants who don’t take kindly to certain kinds of people passing through their space.”
“And what kinds of people would that be, preacher?”
“Men and women who live together but aren’t married.”
Mal looked at the Shepherd for a long moment, trying to gauge whether or not he was joking. With Book it was sometimes hard to tell. A quick glance at the others, coupled with Jayne’s urgency when he’d come to get him, convinced Mal that it was on the level.
“So, these folks ain’t happy about us bein’ in their space…we’ll just say ‘pardon us’ and be on our way.”
“I’m afraid it’s not quite as simple as that, Captain.”
“Rarely is. What else?”
“Their leader sent a wave. They’re not going to let us leave without ensuring that the relevant rites have been carried out to correct what is, in their view, a terrible moral outrage.”
Inara broke in.
“So what are you saying, Shepherd? That we have to get married to satisfy these people?”
Her displeasure at the prospect was clear on her face.
“I don’t see that we have any other choice in the matter.” Book said.
“The hell we don’t. Wash, get up to the bridge and get this ship movin’.”
“Can’t.” Wash said, shrugging apologetically.
“And why would that be?”
“Because they got at least ten ships out there with big cannons pointed right at us, sir. We move, they’ll blow the ship to bits.” Zoe answered, gripping Wash’s hand.
“Oh, so they can’t have unmarried people livin’ on the same ship, but they got no problems with killin’ a few folk.” Mal turned to Book. “Take it this is some kinda religious thing?”
“I believe so. It appears to be a bastardised form of Christianity. Broke off a long while back and went completely over the edge of morality into lunacy.”
“Don’t sound all that different from most religious types to me.”
“You miss the part where they’re gonna blow us outta the sky? Why you gotta run your smart mouth all the damn time?” Jayne stood up and moved into the kitchen, muttering under his breath.
Mal realised that all eyes were on him.
“Well then, I guess we’ll be havin’ us some weddin’s.”
“I am, obviously, exempt from this. Zoe and Wash are already married. So that would leave yourself, Jayne, Inara, Kaylee, Simon and River. I’ve done some research and I would be able to carry out a simple ceremony which would satisfy their requirements.”
“I’m not marrying Mal.” Inara stated, immediately.
“I don’t believe I asked you to. It’s polite to wait until someone proposes.” Mal said, a little hurt.
Inara was surveying the room, her eyes finally landing on an acceptable partner.
“I could marry Kaylee!”
Jayne hurried back into the mess, a lecherous expression his face. Kaylee looked torn.
“Gee, I’m real sorry ‘Nara, but Simon already asked me.” She turned to give Simon a dirty look. “He coulda been a bit more romantic ‘bout it.”
“Kaylee, I…”
Kaylee ignored him and continued in a mockery of Simon’s accent. “‘Well, Kaylee, River’s my sister and Inara intimidates me so…’ Didn’t even get down on one knee nor nothin’!”
Simon looked suitably chastened.
“Screw the doc, I’m all for ‘Nara and Kaylee getting’ hitched.”
Mal leaned over to Jayne and spoke in a stage whisper.
“You do realise that would mean you’d need to marry one of the Tams.”
River’s eyes lit up in a way that both terrified and aroused Jayne. Simon’s mouth hung open in horror.
“I ain’t marryin’ the doc.”
“Oh no, now my heart is broken. I fear I’ll never be the same again.” Simon’s tone held more than a little sarcasm.
“Our religious zealot friends are not in favour of same-sex marriages.” Book broke in, before the argument went any further.
“Pity.” Jayne said, looking from Inara to Kaylee and leering.
Mal moved to where Inara was sitting and held out his hand.
“Well, I guess I should wish you well on your impendin’ nuptials. I’m sure you ‘n’ Jayne’ll make a lovely couple.”
Inara’s eyes widened, this thought had obviously not occurred to her. It hadn’t quite dawned on Jayne either, whose smile was slowly spreading across his face.
“Reckon I got me the pick a the litter here!” Jayne stated, happily.
“Run-tse-duh-fwo-tzoo.” Inara’s head dropped to the table. Then shot back up. She fixed Book with a desperate stare. “Please tell me that there’s no consummation clause in this.”
“Hey! What you sayin’? I don’t got no consumption! It was jus’ a cold I had from Mal makin’ us go to that gorram snowy planet for that funeral.”
Inara rolled her eyes and looked imploringly at Book.
“None that I’ve come across. Although, the ceremony itself does require a kiss.”
Jayne looked at Inara seriously.
“Well, ‘Nara, I don’t usually kiss on the mouth, but I reckon I can make an exception this one time.”
She fixed him with a withering stare. “I’m flattered, really.”
Jayne nodded. Mal fought down the urge to laugh. Then he felt a tug on his arm. He looked down to see River staring up at him, adoringly.
“I’m very much looking forward to our wedding night. I think we’ll have really great sex together.”
She threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly. Mal looked at Book.
“Uh…how long til we can get divorced?”
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Serenity is passing through an area of space that is completely controlled by religious fundamentalists. They are appalled at the fact that unmarried men and women live together abroad Serenity and are demanding that everyone on the ship (except the Shephard) get married. If they don't comply, they will destroy the ship. Describe some highlights of the day.
And here's the result. More Crack!fic.
TITLE: Like a horse and carriage
AUTHOR: Angie
FEEDBACK: scotangelina@yahoo.com
DISTRIBUTION: Feel free to take this, just let me know where it's gone.
FANDOM: Firefly
PAIRING: Many unconventional pairings.
SUMMARY: See above prompt.
RATING: PG-13
DISCLAIMER: I’m not Joss.
WORD COUNT: 1,282
Jayne jogged along the gangway towards Inara’s shuttle. Even from a distance away, he could hear the voices: Mal’s low and mocking, Inara’s high and indignant. He slowed as he got nearer, unwilling to get in the middle of whatever they were arguing about this time. He raised his hand and rapped loudly on the door.
“Mal? Mal you’d better get out here. We got a mighty big problem.”
The door opened and Mal came out, Jayne moved to the side to avoid the flying vase that followed him, narrowly missing his head. Jayne’s eyes widened.
“What you been sayin’ to her this time? She don’t usually take to throwin’ her stuff at ya.”
Mal grinned in his usual, devil-may-care way.
“Oh, you know, whores and their mood-swings…never can tell how they’ll…OW!”
Inara’s aim was better with the candlestick which connected solidly with the back of Mal’s head. He rubbed the spot and glared back over his shoulder. He turned back to Jayne, still holding his head.
“You was sayin’ somethin’ about a problem?”
“Yeah. Best you come down and talk to the Shepherd. You too, ‘Nara.”
“I’m not going anywhere if he’s going to be there.” Inara’s voice drifted out of her shuttle.
“I’m tellin’ you. This ain’t no joke. We need everybody in the mess. Now.”
Inara and Mal exchanged glances. Jayne actually looked worried, and that was never reassuring. Inara rolled her eyes and swept past the two men, heading for the dining area. Mal watched her go, his eyebrows knitted together in a frown. Jayne had no time for lovers’ spats.
“Git movin’ Cap’n, we ain’t got a lotta time.”
*****
In the mess, Book was poring over an encyclopaedia when Mal and Jayne entered. Everyone else was already there, seated around the table. Inara pointedly looked away from Mal. Mal looked around the room at the serious faces.
“So, what’s this big problem? Shepherd?”
Book looked up, his face grave.
“It would seem that we’ve stumbled into a part of space we really don’t want to be in.”
Mal quirked an eyebrow.
“Oh really? Last I heard nobody owned the sky. ‘Specially not this far from the Core.”
“True. It’s not owned by anybody. But this particular area appears to have a rather strict group of inhabitants who don’t take kindly to certain kinds of people passing through their space.”
“And what kinds of people would that be, preacher?”
“Men and women who live together but aren’t married.”
Mal looked at the Shepherd for a long moment, trying to gauge whether or not he was joking. With Book it was sometimes hard to tell. A quick glance at the others, coupled with Jayne’s urgency when he’d come to get him, convinced Mal that it was on the level.
“So, these folks ain’t happy about us bein’ in their space…we’ll just say ‘pardon us’ and be on our way.”
“I’m afraid it’s not quite as simple as that, Captain.”
“Rarely is. What else?”
“Their leader sent a wave. They’re not going to let us leave without ensuring that the relevant rites have been carried out to correct what is, in their view, a terrible moral outrage.”
Inara broke in.
“So what are you saying, Shepherd? That we have to get married to satisfy these people?”
Her displeasure at the prospect was clear on her face.
“I don’t see that we have any other choice in the matter.” Book said.
“The hell we don’t. Wash, get up to the bridge and get this ship movin’.”
“Can’t.” Wash said, shrugging apologetically.
“And why would that be?”
“Because they got at least ten ships out there with big cannons pointed right at us, sir. We move, they’ll blow the ship to bits.” Zoe answered, gripping Wash’s hand.
“Oh, so they can’t have unmarried people livin’ on the same ship, but they got no problems with killin’ a few folk.” Mal turned to Book. “Take it this is some kinda religious thing?”
“I believe so. It appears to be a bastardised form of Christianity. Broke off a long while back and went completely over the edge of morality into lunacy.”
“Don’t sound all that different from most religious types to me.”
“You miss the part where they’re gonna blow us outta the sky? Why you gotta run your smart mouth all the damn time?” Jayne stood up and moved into the kitchen, muttering under his breath.
Mal realised that all eyes were on him.
“Well then, I guess we’ll be havin’ us some weddin’s.”
“I am, obviously, exempt from this. Zoe and Wash are already married. So that would leave yourself, Jayne, Inara, Kaylee, Simon and River. I’ve done some research and I would be able to carry out a simple ceremony which would satisfy their requirements.”
“I’m not marrying Mal.” Inara stated, immediately.
“I don’t believe I asked you to. It’s polite to wait until someone proposes.” Mal said, a little hurt.
Inara was surveying the room, her eyes finally landing on an acceptable partner.
“I could marry Kaylee!”
Jayne hurried back into the mess, a lecherous expression his face. Kaylee looked torn.
“Gee, I’m real sorry ‘Nara, but Simon already asked me.” She turned to give Simon a dirty look. “He coulda been a bit more romantic ‘bout it.”
“Kaylee, I…”
Kaylee ignored him and continued in a mockery of Simon’s accent. “‘Well, Kaylee, River’s my sister and Inara intimidates me so…’ Didn’t even get down on one knee nor nothin’!”
Simon looked suitably chastened.
“Screw the doc, I’m all for ‘Nara and Kaylee getting’ hitched.”
Mal leaned over to Jayne and spoke in a stage whisper.
“You do realise that would mean you’d need to marry one of the Tams.”
River’s eyes lit up in a way that both terrified and aroused Jayne. Simon’s mouth hung open in horror.
“I ain’t marryin’ the doc.”
“Oh no, now my heart is broken. I fear I’ll never be the same again.” Simon’s tone held more than a little sarcasm.
“Our religious zealot friends are not in favour of same-sex marriages.” Book broke in, before the argument went any further.
“Pity.” Jayne said, looking from Inara to Kaylee and leering.
Mal moved to where Inara was sitting and held out his hand.
“Well, I guess I should wish you well on your impendin’ nuptials. I’m sure you ‘n’ Jayne’ll make a lovely couple.”
Inara’s eyes widened, this thought had obviously not occurred to her. It hadn’t quite dawned on Jayne either, whose smile was slowly spreading across his face.
“Reckon I got me the pick a the litter here!” Jayne stated, happily.
“Run-tse-duh-fwo-tzoo.” Inara’s head dropped to the table. Then shot back up. She fixed Book with a desperate stare. “Please tell me that there’s no consummation clause in this.”
“Hey! What you sayin’? I don’t got no consumption! It was jus’ a cold I had from Mal makin’ us go to that gorram snowy planet for that funeral.”
Inara rolled her eyes and looked imploringly at Book.
“None that I’ve come across. Although, the ceremony itself does require a kiss.”
Jayne looked at Inara seriously.
“Well, ‘Nara, I don’t usually kiss on the mouth, but I reckon I can make an exception this one time.”
She fixed him with a withering stare. “I’m flattered, really.”
Jayne nodded. Mal fought down the urge to laugh. Then he felt a tug on his arm. He looked down to see River staring up at him, adoringly.
“I’m very much looking forward to our wedding night. I think we’ll have really great sex together.”
She threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly. Mal looked at Book.
“Uh…how long til we can get divorced?”
no subject
Date: 2006-03-27 07:38 pm (UTC)the Mal/Inara fight - I wonder what they were fighting about ;) Must've been bad if she would rather marry Jayne than him.
Simon's lame proposal - You just know Simon would mess it up.
Glad you liked this. I enjoyed writing it. I may write the ceremony at some point. I am slowly becoming addicted to crack!fic.