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thegirl20See this post for notes and disclaimers.
The men had gone back to the village they’d passed through, to fulfil Richard’s promise to come back and help. Cara and Kahlan were left alone, in private, to deal with the events of the past few days. One of the nearby farmhouses had proved to be relatively in tact and they’d moved their provisions there. Cara had insisted on carrying Kahlan, wrapped up in a blanket from her pack. She cradled her in her arms like she might break, if she hadn’t already. They hadn’t told her much beyond the essentials of what had happened, but it wasn’t difficult for Cara to deduce the rest. She knew her own handiwork when she saw it.
Though she was Mord’Sith through and through, she knew that meeting Richard and Kahlan, and even Zedd, had changed her. Or perhaps just brought out elements in her that had always been there, hidden and beaten into submission. To imagine herself with that taken away was horrifying. To think that Kahlan had seen that side of her was even worse.
She swirled the water in the bathtub, brought from a nearby stream by herself and Richard and kindly heated by wizard’s fire. She sighed. The temperature was irrelevant; it would hurt Kahlan no matter what. But she would let it cool a little more. She closed her eyes against the sting of tears that thinking of Kahlan’s injuries brought on.
“Cara?”
Cara stopped doing what she was doing. She knew she’d been stalling, unwilling to face Kahlan now that they were alone. Unable to see the devastation she’d caused.
“Yes?”
“Can you come here?”
Cara’s jaw clenched. Kahlan could’ve asked her to go out and fight an army singlehandedly. To bring her a shadrin head on a plate. To capture the moon from the sky. Any of those things she’d have done, and done gladly. But this simple request terrified her. But Kahlan had asked, and she could not say no. She stood and turned, forcing herself to take in the bruises and broken skin on the parts of Kahlan’s body that were visible. She realised she was staring when Kahlan reached out a hand, shaky though it was.
“I know I’m not at my most pleasant to be around right now,” Kahlan said, a hint of an embarrassed smile on her lips. “But I’d like you to sit with me for moment.”
Cara’s heart cracked a little more. Wordlessly she took the offered hand in her own and dropped to her knees in front of Kahlan, bowing her head.
“No.” There was a weak tug on her hand and she chanced a look upwards. “I want you up here with me.”
She pushed herself up and joined Kahlan on the bench, still holding her hand. Kahlan immediately moved closer to her and Cara had no choice but to wrap her arm around Kahlan’s back, as gently as she possibly could. She turned her face into matted hair, smelling blood and sweat and Kahlan. A sob was swelling in her chest and she wouldn’t be able to fight it for long. Kahlan didn’t allow her to hide, bringing her hand to Cara’s face and pushing her away to look into her eyes.
“You didn’t do this.” Kahlan’s voice was even and her eyes bored into Cara’s, willing the words to go in.
“Yes. I did.”
No matter what Kahlan, or Richard, or Zedd believed, Cara had done this. The potential for this violence, against someone she loved beyond words, was still inside her. Every bruise on Kahlan’s body was in the shape of her hand or her agiel. Every ounce of pain Kahlan had experienced had been drawn out by her. There was no question in Cara’s mind that it was not safe for people to be around her. She would make sure that Kahlan was healed and then she would leave. She did not deserve the luxury of friends. Of love. Of living.
Kahlan sighed. “Cara, I understand that it must be awful for you to see me like this and to hear about…what happened. But if you insist on punishing yourself for something you had no control over, then you at least have to balance that with the full picture.”
Cara closed her eyes against Kahlan’s penetrating gaze. Kahlan probably wanted to talk about the other Cara. She hadn’t heard so much about her, only that she’d been instrumental in the fight to rescue Kahlan.
“I fail to see how anything could cancel out this atrocity.” She opened her eyes again. “Kahlan, how can you bear to be near me?”
Under the bruising and the grime, Kahlan’s face grew determined.
“Because I love you,” she said. “With all of my heart, I love you. And I know you love me just as much. Both sides of you showed me that. In very different ways, but I never, ever doubted your love for me.”
Cara shook her head. Kahlan clearly did not understand and there would be no use in explaining. She would try to explain everything away with talk of feelings and love and she would pretend that Cara didn’t have a monster lurking inside her that wanted nothing more than to cause pain and suffering.
“Even when I was beating you? Torturing you?” Cara could barely get the words out, but she had to say them so that Kahlan would acknowledge them. Whatever romanticised version of events she’d concocted to make herself believe that Cara was still a ‘good person’, she had to face the truth somehow.
“Yes, even then,” Kahlan said and Cara rolled her eyes but Kahlan wasn’t finished. “When she was beating me, when she was-“
“Me, Kahlan!” Cara snapped. “It was me! Stop pretending it was someone else.”
“Fine!” Kahlan’s voice matched Cara’s, the fatigue and trauma of the past few days fuelling her irritation. “When you were beating me, when you were torturing me…all the way through, I knew it was because you loved me and in your Mord’Sith mind, you were doing the only thing that you understood…the only thing that could guarantee my loyalty to you.”
Cara stared at her, breathing heavily through her nose, the urge to cry building up in her chest again. Kahlan’s hand was gentle on her cheek, her thumb stroking the skin there.
“And do you know how I knew the other you loved me?” she whispered, a tear glistening at the corner of her eye. “Because you told me. Repeatedly, over and over. You held my hand, you brought me flowers, you wrote poetry for me, you held me close at night and you asked me to hold you. You made love with me. That was you, Cara. Just as much as the other one was.”
Tears were running down both of their faces now, unchecked.
“But that’s…” Cara huffed in frustration. No matter how ridiculously romantic the other side of her appeared to have been, Kahlan needed to take cognisance of what existed alongside that. “Kahlan I hurt you. Look at you. You can barely stand.”
“I confessed you.”
That took Cara by surprise. Kahlan’s gaze was unwavering, but Cara could see the guilt in her eyes. She knew that she really should be saying something comforting right now, as Kahlan had been to her. But she found herself coming up blank. As she so often did, Kahlan took this as a sign that she should speak more.
“I looked into your eyes, and I confessed you. And I’d promised you that I never would,” Kahlan’s voice was trembling. “Cara, I condemned you to an agonising death. So if either of us should be punishing ourselves, it’s me.”
Cara shook her head, she couldn’t have Kahlan feeling guilty for doing what was necessary to preserve her own life against an aggressor.
“You defended yourself,” she argued. “I am glad that you did. It has always been a comfort to me to know that you have more than adequate defences to use against whoever you need to.”
She kept her face neutral, even as Kahlan desperately searched her eyes for something.
“My defences can kill you,” she whispered, as if ashamed.
“I know that. I’ve known that as long as I’ve known you,” Cara said. “This is not new information.”
“Are you afraid of me?”
Cara’s immediate instinct was to scoff at the notion that Mord’Sith were afraid of anything. She felt like that might not be the right answer. She tilted her head and looked at Kahlan as she turned the question over in her head.
“I am aware of the power you hold. The fact that you wield it so benevolently makes me admire and respect you. But I do not fear you.”
Kahlan bit her lip, as if unsure whether to believe Cara or not. “Why not? The other Caras…they both mentioned it. They both seemed to think they had it hanging over them…like a threat,” Kahlan said, and Cara realised that she was voicing a fear of her own.
The blonde dipped her head and picked up Kahlan’s hand in her own. She lifted it to press against her throat. Kahlan frowned and tried to pull away but Cara held on.
“You had ample opportunity to confess me when we first met. You stood in judgement of me, for a crime I committed, a crime against your own sister, and you chose not to confess me.” Cara was still a little in awe of Kahlan for that. “I believe if you ever confess me, it will be because I deserve it.”
“Cara, I won’t ev-“
Cara placed a gentle finger over Kahlan’s lips. “Don’t promise that,” she whispered.
Kahlan looked at her mutely, eyes filling with tears again. But she nodded slowly. Cara wondered if perhaps they both had a little work to do to accept parts of them that had the potential to destroy. And just to trust that neither of them would use them against the other except where absolutely necessary. Cara trusted Kahlan absolutely; but she didn’t trust herself. A finger running down her nose pulled her out of her reverie. She met Kahlan’s eyes and smiled softly, shifting her hand to wipe Kahlan’s tears. She decided to deal with the practicalities for the moment.
“Your bath will get cold.”
Kahlan sighed but nodded. “Can you help me?”
“Of course.”
Cara stood. Kahlan slowly began to unwrap the blanket that covered her body. The movement obviously caused her pain and Cara took over, gently pushing the cloth away from Kahlan’s skin, revealing more bruising and welts. She ignored the guilt that coursed through every sinew in her body, grasping one of her agiels for a second to centre herself. Then she bent down and helped Kahlan to stand. They made their way slowly to the tub, where Cara gently picked Kahlan up, cursing herself when she heard her hiss in pain and placed her into the water. Kahlan whimpered as the heat worked on her numerous wounds and she clung to Cara’s neck. Cara knelt down by the tub and waited for her to calm, rubbing her shoulder and whispering reassurances against her ear.
After a time, Kahlan relinquished her hold. Cara moved back a little and saw fresh tears, of pain, on Kahlan’s face. She reached out, unthinking, to cup Kahlan’s cheek. And Kahlan flinched. It was only slight, but it was a definite flinch. Cara froze in place and Kahlan hurried to take her hand and bring it to her cheek, keeping it there with her own.
“Cara, I’m sorry. I’m not afraid of you.”
Her hand was still trapped under Kahlan’s or she would have removed it. The feel of Kahlan’s skin was fogging up her mind, making her unsure.
“Why not? You should be.”
Kahlan tilted her head to the side, still holding Cara’s hand against her cheek.
“Are you planning to hurt me?”
Cara held Kahlan’s eyes. “No.”
“So why should I be afraid?” Kahlan asked, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
“Because you’ve seen me,” Cara whispered. “At my worst and at my weakest. You’ve seen what I am..what I can do.”
Kahlan brought their joined hands down from her cheek to rest between them on the edge of the bathtub. She squeezed Cara’s fingers.
“I saw you, yes, but I didn’t see anything I didn’t already know was in you,” Kahlan said, slowly, her eyes never wavering from Cara’s. “Maybe I got a little insight, but I knew the rest was in there. Both of those women are inside you Cara. They make you who you are. And I love the person you are.”
Cara’s eyes dropped at this. “I don’t deser-“
Kahlan’s hand gripped her chin, bringing her face back up abruptly. Her eyes looked like blue fire, Cara thought.
“Listen to me,” she said, sounding strong; every inch the Mother Confessor. “I never gave up on us. Not once. Not when I was swinging from the ceiling with an agiel between my legs. Not when I put my hand around your throat and prayed to the Creator that I’d get you back. And I’m not going to give up on us now. All I ask is that you pay us the same courtesy.”
The force behind Kahlan’s words and the look in her eyes almost startled Cara. Her chin was still in Kahlan’s hand and she could think of nothing to say so she leaned forward and pressed her lips against Kahlan’s. Kahlan’s hand slid up to Cara’s cheek. Neither of them pushed the kiss, they just let it be.
“I’m sorry,” Cara murmured as she drew away, keeping her face close to Kahlan’s.
“Why are you sorry?” Kahlan pushed.
Cara laughed with no humour and Kahlan continued without waiting for an answer.
“If you’re sorry for my injuries, then you must also be sorry for making me smile until my face hurt from it. And for laying in bed with me, not talking, just looking into my eyes. And fo-“
“Why do you keep comparing the two?” Cara whispered, dangerously close to tears again. “They’re not the same.”
“Yes, they are,” Kahlan insisted. “They were both you, and neither of them was you. Neither of them was whole. Neither of them was complete.”
Kahlan was beginning to look desperate now.
“Cara, I need all of you. I love all of you. I don’t know how else to say it to make you understand.”
Cara wasn’t sure she’d ever understand. Not really. Kahlan’s love was still something of a mystery to her. Her own love for Kahlan wasn’t hard to understand. Kahlan was good and kind and caring and loyal. Everybody loved Kahlan. But what Kahlan saw in her that was worthy of love, especially now, was not clear.
“I don’t understand,” she admitted. “But I believe you.”
A smile broke out across Kahlan’s battered face. “That’s better than I’d hoped for to be honest.”
Cara drew in a shaky breath. “You should get cleaned up…I have salve for your wounds.”
Kahlan nodded. “Get in with me?” Her immediate reaction was to say no but Kahlan pre-empted her. “Please? I need your help.”
Cara sighed and let her forehead fall forward to rest against Kahlan’s.
“You don’t play fair, Kahlan.”
She felt Kahlan nod against her. “I know.”
She stood and divested herself of her leathers as quickly as she could. Kahlan sat forward and Cara climbed in behind her. She eased herself down in the tub, her legs sliding alongside Kahlan’s, their hips fitting snugly against each other. She was unsure what to do with her hands until Kahlan spoke.
“I’m not going to break.”
Cara slid her hands down Kahlan’s sides and around to her belly, careful of her injuries. Kahlan sank back against her and Cara wrapped her arms more fully around her as Kahlan’s head came to rest on her shoulder. They lay for long moments, soaking in the heat and comfort the water provided. Cara thought that Kahlan must have gone to sleep until her voice broke the silence.
“Can you wash me?”
She didn’t answer, just kissed Kahlan’s shoulder and reached for a washcloth. Slowly, methodically, she washed every inch of Kahlan’s skin that was in reach. She tried to be as gentle as she could, but there were times she felt Kahlan gasp or flinch. She acknowledged every hurt with a kiss. When the dirt and grime had been removed from Kahlan’s body, her injuries were starker, but she looked better. Using her hands to scoop up water, Cara started work on Kahlan’s hair, working up a lather with a bar of soap from her pack. She gently massaged Kahlan’s scalp, working through tangles and knots, rinsing and rinsing until the water ran clean.
“Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me,” Cara protested. “It’s the least I ca-“
“Thank you,” Kahlan repeated, firmly, looking over her shoulder.
Cara’s lips set in a thin line, but she nodded. Her eyes dropped to the pale skin of Kahlan’s back, now marred by dark bruises and burns. She reached out and ran her finger over a particularly fierce welt. Every single mark was there by her own hand. And yet, here was Kahlan, completely open and trusting and loving. And, just as she’d worn Cara down initially, somehow Cara found herself beginning to believe what Kahlan was saying.
“The water’s cooling, we should get you out and apply the salve,” she said, unable to stop watching her finger’s progress across the network of marks on Kahlan’s back.
“Yes,” the confessor agreed. “Then I want to sleep for a week. In your arms.”
Cara smiled sadly. “As you wish.”
---
Kahlan was lying on her front on a bed that Cara had covered with their own bedrolls while Cara applied healing salve to her back.
“I love your touch,” she breathed out, revelling in the gentle attention.
Cara curved her palm around Kahlan’s hip, squeezing gently and Kahlan reached down to cover it with her own.
“What did you see?”
Kahlan’s mind was hazy with pain and fatigue and it took her a moment to process the question.
“You said you gained insight…what did you see?” Cara’s voice was a whisper and Kahlan could tell she had struggled with whether or not to ask this question.
With difficulty, Kahlan turned over. She had become accustomed to the various pains and aches in her body, but every so often she’d aggravate one she hadn’t been aware of and the pain would seize her. She hated the expression that fleeted across Cara’s face every time it happened. Cara helped her to sit up and placed a simple, white sleeping shift over her head. Cara was wearing one too. She winced as the cloth hit her skin, but then sank back against the bed, looking up at Cara.
This was delicate; she knew that Cara was not adept at dealing with her feelings at the best of times. So to have revealed them while not quite herself was would be a lot to cope with. Kahlan waited for a moment, considering whether it was wise to broach this subject. They were both tired, both hurting. But left alone, she knew that one thing in particular would niggle at her. She reached out and tugged on Cara’s wrist, waiting until she lay down beside her, stretching out on her side. She brought her hand to Cara’s face, brushing her knuckles along her jaw.
“You’re enough for me, Cara,” she said. “You’re my equal in every sense. I don’t want or need you to be anything other than you.”
She watched as Cara tried not to react, but the twitch of her eyelid gave her away. Kahlan had hit a nerve. Kahlan kept up the tender caress of Cara’s face, never removing her eyes from the other woman’s. She could say more, give more reassurances, but she wanted Cara to speak first. She knew that might be a futile hope. Just as she was about to give up and let them both sleep, Cara spoke.
“You’re not meant for me.” Kahlan’s heart ached at the resignation in Cara’s voice, but she held herself back, waiting for her to continue. “We’re supposed to be enemies. Bards still tell stories about the epic love between you and the Seeker. People won’t write sonnets about a lowly Mord’Sith defiling the Mother Confessor.”
And there it was, that crippling insecurity that Cara tried so hard to disguise with bravado.
“Then we’ll write our own sonnets,” Kahlan told her. “Because our love may not be expected, or prophesied, but it’s real.” She shifted so that her hand was resting over Cara’s heart.
“I know, Kahlan,” Cara whispered, placing her own hand on Kahlan’s chest. “But…”
Kahlan felt something inside of her tighten at Cara’s hesitation.
“But what? I love you, Cara,” she whispered.
Cara’s eyes dipped, her thumb rubbing back and forward over Kahlan’s chest. “As long as the Mother Confessor’s pure heart beats…the Keeper is doomed to fail.”
Kahlan covered Cara’s hand with her own, pressing it harder against her flesh even though it hurt her to do so. “It’s beating. You can feel it.”
After a long, silent wait, Cara’s eyes came up to meet her own. “But is it pure?”
“Yes,” Kahlan said, leaving no room for doubt. “What is purer than love, Cara? It’s what a heart is for. The love I have for you is pure and it’s good.”
“But I’m neither of those things,” Cara said. “What if loving me has…what if the Keeper wins because I got in the way of…”
“Stop,” Kahlan warned. “What would you have me do? Go back to Richard? Live a life of pretence and artifice just in case you’ve somehow tainted my pure heart?”
Cara looked like she might be about to say yes to the entirely rhetorical question, so Kahlan cut her off.
“Guess what, Cara…if I went back to Richard, it wouldn’t stop me from feeling the way I feel about you. So if me loving you somehow invalidates Richard’s quest, then the quest is doomed already. And if I am to meet the Keeper then I will do so with my hand firmly holding yours, because there’s no going back.”
The Mord’Sith looked somewhat abashed at Kahlan’s impassioned speech. Her thumb continued to rub tiny circles into the skin of Kahlan’s chest and Kahlan knew that she was trying to find the words to reply.
“Well, if our love brings about the end of the world, I would imagine it would qualify as epic enough to have songs written about it.” The corner of her mouth turned up slightly. “If there were any bards left to write them.”
Kahlan smiled at Cara’s attempt at humour, but she shook her head.
“Cara…” she began, eliciting an eyeroll and a sigh.
“Fine.” Cara lifted their joined hands from Kahlan’s chest and brought them to her lips, kissing Kahlan’s knuckles. “We will work on the assumption that your heart is still pure, despite its apparent fondness for bad girls. And we will continue on our quest to save the world. And if we should fail, I will gladly spend eternity holding your hand. Because loving you is the purest and best thing I have ever done.”
She linked her fingers through Kahlan’s and squeezed gently to emphasise her words. Kahlan’s smile was bright and her eyes shone with unshed tears. She decided to take a lesson from Cara and keep the mood light.
“And to think it took me weeks to persuade you to hold my hand…and here you are swearing to do so for all eternity.”
“Looks like you finally got under my skin, Confessor,” Cara whispered.
It was a testament to how tired they were that neither of them moved to initiate an embrace. The fact that they were holding hands, and looking into each other’s eyes, was enough for the moment. The touching scene was broken when Kahlan yawned, a great, gaping yawn. She used her free hand to cover her mouth, her eyes going wide.
“I’m sorry, I…”
Cara just smiled and shook her head. “Sleep. I’ll be here.”
Kahlan’s eyelids grew heavier, just from hearing the word spoken aloud. She allowed them to droop closed for a moment.
“You’re too far away,” she muttered, eyes fluttering open. “I told you I wanted to sleep in your arms.”
“I…I don’t want to hurt you,” Cara admitted.
“You won’t,” Kahlan insisted. “Please?”
Cara’s brow creased in mock annoyance. “Somewhere along the line I appear to have become powerless to refuse your requests.” She was already moving, carefully climbing over Kahlan so that she was positioned behind her. “This must be what it feels like to be confessed.”
Tenderly, Cara’s arms came about her, sliding underneath her rib cage and encircling her torso. The salve had dulled the pain in her body and she shivered as she was drawn back against Cara, feeling completely safe and at home for the first time in days. She sighed in contentment.
“No, Cara,” she corrected. “This is what it feels like to be in love.”
A kiss was pressed against the back of her head and she thought she heard Cara mumble something about there being no difference. It echoed what her emotional half had expressed while trying to persuade Kahlan to confess her. Idly, Kahlan wondered where the line was between true love and confession.
Unbidden, another thought lodged itself in her consciousness and her eyes flew open. This one she really should keep to herself. She lay still, trying to will away the concerns. Obviously Cara picked up on the tension that had crept back into her body.
“Kahlan, go to sleep.”
She bit her lip. She knew she wouldn’t get to sleep if she didn’t ask.
“Cara?”
A sigh came from near her ear.
“Yes?”
“Am I…enough for you?”
She felt Cara’s arms tighten around her, ever so slightly. “You’re more than enough for me. And far more than I deserve. Now sleep.”
She smiled, but that wasn’t what she meant.
“Yes, but…I mean…when we’re…intimate. Do I…satisfy you?”
Cara shifted, pushing herself up so that she could see Kahlan’s face. Kahlan was heartened to see genuine confusion in Cara’s eyes. But she needed to hear the words.
“Kahlan, why would you even as-“ The confusion dissolved, replaced by a sad understanding. “She told you that you didn’t.”
Kahlan noted the change in the pronoun that Cara was using to describe her Mord’Sith half with satisfaction, but she nodded.
“She said that she had…appetites that I couldn’t…” She felt slightly foolish bringing this up. “And that she’d had to go to Richard for…”
“Richard?” Cara almost barked the name, her eyes wide in something like panic. “She was lying. Tell me she was lying.”
“I’d hoped she was…but no, I could tell from Richard that it was the truth,” Kahlan said, not wanting to hurt Cara, but feeling that they both deserved full disclosure.
Cara dropped down onto her back, the arm that wasn’t trapped under Kahlan thrown over her eyes. Kahlan turned over, slowly, and snuggled into Cara’s side, placing her head on her shoulder, a hand gently rubbing her abdomen through the thin shift.
“It wasn’t you,” Kahlan assured her. “I know that you don’t… think of him that way.”
It wasn’t a question, but Cara answered it anyway.
“For the first time in my life I don’t think of anyone in that way except you.” She lifted her arm off her face and turned so that she was looking at Kahlan. “And you satisfy all of my…‘appetites’.”
Kahlan breathed out, relieved. She pressed a kiss to Cara’s chest, through her shift.
“Good. Although I may have to threaten Richard a little for daring to touch my woman,” Kahlan could feel sleep tug at her again and she smothered a yawn, her eyes drifting closed, wondering if she’d be chastised for using any kind of possessive pronoun to refer to Cara.
“Yes. Any ire you have should be focused on Richard. He was of sound mind and should have stopped it,” Cara agreed and Kahlan smiled.
“Perhaps I’m being too hard on him,” she mumbled. “You are quite irresistible.“
“You’re going to tease me about this forever, aren’t you?” Cara grumbled.
Kahlan laughed softly and shook her head. “No. Strangely enough, I have no desire to picture you and Richard…doing that, if I can at all help it.”
“Good. Neither do I,” Cara agreed. “We should never speak of it again.”
“Besides,” Kahlan continued, flattening her hand against Cara’s stomach. “If I wanted to tease you, I have a wealth of topics I could choose from now, having spent time with your softer side.”
Cara sighed. “I can only imagine,” she said, affection rather than aggravation colouring her voice.
“I missed you. I don’t even think I realised how much until I got you back,” Kahlan murmured. “Don’t ever let something like this happen again.”
“I’ll try not to.” Cara said, amused. “And, to make it up to you, perhaps one day soon I’ll take you to these famous falls of yours. We’ll leave the wizard and the Seeker behind. I’m sure we can find them a puppy to rescue.”
“That’d be nice,” Kahlan murmured.
“But for now, you need to sleep,” Cara’s voice was soft and soothing. “I’ll be here with you.”
“Promise?” Kahlan was on the very edge of sleep.
Lips brushed against her forehead. “For as long as you’ll have me.”
Kahlan’s lips formed a smile as she let sleep take her, finally. “Always.”
The men had gone back to the village they’d passed through, to fulfil Richard’s promise to come back and help. Cara and Kahlan were left alone, in private, to deal with the events of the past few days. One of the nearby farmhouses had proved to be relatively in tact and they’d moved their provisions there. Cara had insisted on carrying Kahlan, wrapped up in a blanket from her pack. She cradled her in her arms like she might break, if she hadn’t already. They hadn’t told her much beyond the essentials of what had happened, but it wasn’t difficult for Cara to deduce the rest. She knew her own handiwork when she saw it.
Though she was Mord’Sith through and through, she knew that meeting Richard and Kahlan, and even Zedd, had changed her. Or perhaps just brought out elements in her that had always been there, hidden and beaten into submission. To imagine herself with that taken away was horrifying. To think that Kahlan had seen that side of her was even worse.
She swirled the water in the bathtub, brought from a nearby stream by herself and Richard and kindly heated by wizard’s fire. She sighed. The temperature was irrelevant; it would hurt Kahlan no matter what. But she would let it cool a little more. She closed her eyes against the sting of tears that thinking of Kahlan’s injuries brought on.
“Cara?”
Cara stopped doing what she was doing. She knew she’d been stalling, unwilling to face Kahlan now that they were alone. Unable to see the devastation she’d caused.
“Yes?”
“Can you come here?”
Cara’s jaw clenched. Kahlan could’ve asked her to go out and fight an army singlehandedly. To bring her a shadrin head on a plate. To capture the moon from the sky. Any of those things she’d have done, and done gladly. But this simple request terrified her. But Kahlan had asked, and she could not say no. She stood and turned, forcing herself to take in the bruises and broken skin on the parts of Kahlan’s body that were visible. She realised she was staring when Kahlan reached out a hand, shaky though it was.
“I know I’m not at my most pleasant to be around right now,” Kahlan said, a hint of an embarrassed smile on her lips. “But I’d like you to sit with me for moment.”
Cara’s heart cracked a little more. Wordlessly she took the offered hand in her own and dropped to her knees in front of Kahlan, bowing her head.
“No.” There was a weak tug on her hand and she chanced a look upwards. “I want you up here with me.”
She pushed herself up and joined Kahlan on the bench, still holding her hand. Kahlan immediately moved closer to her and Cara had no choice but to wrap her arm around Kahlan’s back, as gently as she possibly could. She turned her face into matted hair, smelling blood and sweat and Kahlan. A sob was swelling in her chest and she wouldn’t be able to fight it for long. Kahlan didn’t allow her to hide, bringing her hand to Cara’s face and pushing her away to look into her eyes.
“You didn’t do this.” Kahlan’s voice was even and her eyes bored into Cara’s, willing the words to go in.
“Yes. I did.”
No matter what Kahlan, or Richard, or Zedd believed, Cara had done this. The potential for this violence, against someone she loved beyond words, was still inside her. Every bruise on Kahlan’s body was in the shape of her hand or her agiel. Every ounce of pain Kahlan had experienced had been drawn out by her. There was no question in Cara’s mind that it was not safe for people to be around her. She would make sure that Kahlan was healed and then she would leave. She did not deserve the luxury of friends. Of love. Of living.
Kahlan sighed. “Cara, I understand that it must be awful for you to see me like this and to hear about…what happened. But if you insist on punishing yourself for something you had no control over, then you at least have to balance that with the full picture.”
Cara closed her eyes against Kahlan’s penetrating gaze. Kahlan probably wanted to talk about the other Cara. She hadn’t heard so much about her, only that she’d been instrumental in the fight to rescue Kahlan.
“I fail to see how anything could cancel out this atrocity.” She opened her eyes again. “Kahlan, how can you bear to be near me?”
Under the bruising and the grime, Kahlan’s face grew determined.
“Because I love you,” she said. “With all of my heart, I love you. And I know you love me just as much. Both sides of you showed me that. In very different ways, but I never, ever doubted your love for me.”
Cara shook her head. Kahlan clearly did not understand and there would be no use in explaining. She would try to explain everything away with talk of feelings and love and she would pretend that Cara didn’t have a monster lurking inside her that wanted nothing more than to cause pain and suffering.
“Even when I was beating you? Torturing you?” Cara could barely get the words out, but she had to say them so that Kahlan would acknowledge them. Whatever romanticised version of events she’d concocted to make herself believe that Cara was still a ‘good person’, she had to face the truth somehow.
“Yes, even then,” Kahlan said and Cara rolled her eyes but Kahlan wasn’t finished. “When she was beating me, when she was-“
“Me, Kahlan!” Cara snapped. “It was me! Stop pretending it was someone else.”
“Fine!” Kahlan’s voice matched Cara’s, the fatigue and trauma of the past few days fuelling her irritation. “When you were beating me, when you were torturing me…all the way through, I knew it was because you loved me and in your Mord’Sith mind, you were doing the only thing that you understood…the only thing that could guarantee my loyalty to you.”
Cara stared at her, breathing heavily through her nose, the urge to cry building up in her chest again. Kahlan’s hand was gentle on her cheek, her thumb stroking the skin there.
“And do you know how I knew the other you loved me?” she whispered, a tear glistening at the corner of her eye. “Because you told me. Repeatedly, over and over. You held my hand, you brought me flowers, you wrote poetry for me, you held me close at night and you asked me to hold you. You made love with me. That was you, Cara. Just as much as the other one was.”
Tears were running down both of their faces now, unchecked.
“But that’s…” Cara huffed in frustration. No matter how ridiculously romantic the other side of her appeared to have been, Kahlan needed to take cognisance of what existed alongside that. “Kahlan I hurt you. Look at you. You can barely stand.”
“I confessed you.”
That took Cara by surprise. Kahlan’s gaze was unwavering, but Cara could see the guilt in her eyes. She knew that she really should be saying something comforting right now, as Kahlan had been to her. But she found herself coming up blank. As she so often did, Kahlan took this as a sign that she should speak more.
“I looked into your eyes, and I confessed you. And I’d promised you that I never would,” Kahlan’s voice was trembling. “Cara, I condemned you to an agonising death. So if either of us should be punishing ourselves, it’s me.”
Cara shook her head, she couldn’t have Kahlan feeling guilty for doing what was necessary to preserve her own life against an aggressor.
“You defended yourself,” she argued. “I am glad that you did. It has always been a comfort to me to know that you have more than adequate defences to use against whoever you need to.”
She kept her face neutral, even as Kahlan desperately searched her eyes for something.
“My defences can kill you,” she whispered, as if ashamed.
“I know that. I’ve known that as long as I’ve known you,” Cara said. “This is not new information.”
“Are you afraid of me?”
Cara’s immediate instinct was to scoff at the notion that Mord’Sith were afraid of anything. She felt like that might not be the right answer. She tilted her head and looked at Kahlan as she turned the question over in her head.
“I am aware of the power you hold. The fact that you wield it so benevolently makes me admire and respect you. But I do not fear you.”
Kahlan bit her lip, as if unsure whether to believe Cara or not. “Why not? The other Caras…they both mentioned it. They both seemed to think they had it hanging over them…like a threat,” Kahlan said, and Cara realised that she was voicing a fear of her own.
The blonde dipped her head and picked up Kahlan’s hand in her own. She lifted it to press against her throat. Kahlan frowned and tried to pull away but Cara held on.
“You had ample opportunity to confess me when we first met. You stood in judgement of me, for a crime I committed, a crime against your own sister, and you chose not to confess me.” Cara was still a little in awe of Kahlan for that. “I believe if you ever confess me, it will be because I deserve it.”
“Cara, I won’t ev-“
Cara placed a gentle finger over Kahlan’s lips. “Don’t promise that,” she whispered.
Kahlan looked at her mutely, eyes filling with tears again. But she nodded slowly. Cara wondered if perhaps they both had a little work to do to accept parts of them that had the potential to destroy. And just to trust that neither of them would use them against the other except where absolutely necessary. Cara trusted Kahlan absolutely; but she didn’t trust herself. A finger running down her nose pulled her out of her reverie. She met Kahlan’s eyes and smiled softly, shifting her hand to wipe Kahlan’s tears. She decided to deal with the practicalities for the moment.
“Your bath will get cold.”
Kahlan sighed but nodded. “Can you help me?”
“Of course.”
Cara stood. Kahlan slowly began to unwrap the blanket that covered her body. The movement obviously caused her pain and Cara took over, gently pushing the cloth away from Kahlan’s skin, revealing more bruising and welts. She ignored the guilt that coursed through every sinew in her body, grasping one of her agiels for a second to centre herself. Then she bent down and helped Kahlan to stand. They made their way slowly to the tub, where Cara gently picked Kahlan up, cursing herself when she heard her hiss in pain and placed her into the water. Kahlan whimpered as the heat worked on her numerous wounds and she clung to Cara’s neck. Cara knelt down by the tub and waited for her to calm, rubbing her shoulder and whispering reassurances against her ear.
After a time, Kahlan relinquished her hold. Cara moved back a little and saw fresh tears, of pain, on Kahlan’s face. She reached out, unthinking, to cup Kahlan’s cheek. And Kahlan flinched. It was only slight, but it was a definite flinch. Cara froze in place and Kahlan hurried to take her hand and bring it to her cheek, keeping it there with her own.
“Cara, I’m sorry. I’m not afraid of you.”
Her hand was still trapped under Kahlan’s or she would have removed it. The feel of Kahlan’s skin was fogging up her mind, making her unsure.
“Why not? You should be.”
Kahlan tilted her head to the side, still holding Cara’s hand against her cheek.
“Are you planning to hurt me?”
Cara held Kahlan’s eyes. “No.”
“So why should I be afraid?” Kahlan asked, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
“Because you’ve seen me,” Cara whispered. “At my worst and at my weakest. You’ve seen what I am..what I can do.”
Kahlan brought their joined hands down from her cheek to rest between them on the edge of the bathtub. She squeezed Cara’s fingers.
“I saw you, yes, but I didn’t see anything I didn’t already know was in you,” Kahlan said, slowly, her eyes never wavering from Cara’s. “Maybe I got a little insight, but I knew the rest was in there. Both of those women are inside you Cara. They make you who you are. And I love the person you are.”
Cara’s eyes dropped at this. “I don’t deser-“
Kahlan’s hand gripped her chin, bringing her face back up abruptly. Her eyes looked like blue fire, Cara thought.
“Listen to me,” she said, sounding strong; every inch the Mother Confessor. “I never gave up on us. Not once. Not when I was swinging from the ceiling with an agiel between my legs. Not when I put my hand around your throat and prayed to the Creator that I’d get you back. And I’m not going to give up on us now. All I ask is that you pay us the same courtesy.”
The force behind Kahlan’s words and the look in her eyes almost startled Cara. Her chin was still in Kahlan’s hand and she could think of nothing to say so she leaned forward and pressed her lips against Kahlan’s. Kahlan’s hand slid up to Cara’s cheek. Neither of them pushed the kiss, they just let it be.
“I’m sorry,” Cara murmured as she drew away, keeping her face close to Kahlan’s.
“Why are you sorry?” Kahlan pushed.
Cara laughed with no humour and Kahlan continued without waiting for an answer.
“If you’re sorry for my injuries, then you must also be sorry for making me smile until my face hurt from it. And for laying in bed with me, not talking, just looking into my eyes. And fo-“
“Why do you keep comparing the two?” Cara whispered, dangerously close to tears again. “They’re not the same.”
“Yes, they are,” Kahlan insisted. “They were both you, and neither of them was you. Neither of them was whole. Neither of them was complete.”
Kahlan was beginning to look desperate now.
“Cara, I need all of you. I love all of you. I don’t know how else to say it to make you understand.”
Cara wasn’t sure she’d ever understand. Not really. Kahlan’s love was still something of a mystery to her. Her own love for Kahlan wasn’t hard to understand. Kahlan was good and kind and caring and loyal. Everybody loved Kahlan. But what Kahlan saw in her that was worthy of love, especially now, was not clear.
“I don’t understand,” she admitted. “But I believe you.”
A smile broke out across Kahlan’s battered face. “That’s better than I’d hoped for to be honest.”
Cara drew in a shaky breath. “You should get cleaned up…I have salve for your wounds.”
Kahlan nodded. “Get in with me?” Her immediate reaction was to say no but Kahlan pre-empted her. “Please? I need your help.”
Cara sighed and let her forehead fall forward to rest against Kahlan’s.
“You don’t play fair, Kahlan.”
She felt Kahlan nod against her. “I know.”
She stood and divested herself of her leathers as quickly as she could. Kahlan sat forward and Cara climbed in behind her. She eased herself down in the tub, her legs sliding alongside Kahlan’s, their hips fitting snugly against each other. She was unsure what to do with her hands until Kahlan spoke.
“I’m not going to break.”
Cara slid her hands down Kahlan’s sides and around to her belly, careful of her injuries. Kahlan sank back against her and Cara wrapped her arms more fully around her as Kahlan’s head came to rest on her shoulder. They lay for long moments, soaking in the heat and comfort the water provided. Cara thought that Kahlan must have gone to sleep until her voice broke the silence.
“Can you wash me?”
She didn’t answer, just kissed Kahlan’s shoulder and reached for a washcloth. Slowly, methodically, she washed every inch of Kahlan’s skin that was in reach. She tried to be as gentle as she could, but there were times she felt Kahlan gasp or flinch. She acknowledged every hurt with a kiss. When the dirt and grime had been removed from Kahlan’s body, her injuries were starker, but she looked better. Using her hands to scoop up water, Cara started work on Kahlan’s hair, working up a lather with a bar of soap from her pack. She gently massaged Kahlan’s scalp, working through tangles and knots, rinsing and rinsing until the water ran clean.
“Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me,” Cara protested. “It’s the least I ca-“
“Thank you,” Kahlan repeated, firmly, looking over her shoulder.
Cara’s lips set in a thin line, but she nodded. Her eyes dropped to the pale skin of Kahlan’s back, now marred by dark bruises and burns. She reached out and ran her finger over a particularly fierce welt. Every single mark was there by her own hand. And yet, here was Kahlan, completely open and trusting and loving. And, just as she’d worn Cara down initially, somehow Cara found herself beginning to believe what Kahlan was saying.
“The water’s cooling, we should get you out and apply the salve,” she said, unable to stop watching her finger’s progress across the network of marks on Kahlan’s back.
“Yes,” the confessor agreed. “Then I want to sleep for a week. In your arms.”
Cara smiled sadly. “As you wish.”
---
Kahlan was lying on her front on a bed that Cara had covered with their own bedrolls while Cara applied healing salve to her back.
“I love your touch,” she breathed out, revelling in the gentle attention.
Cara curved her palm around Kahlan’s hip, squeezing gently and Kahlan reached down to cover it with her own.
“What did you see?”
Kahlan’s mind was hazy with pain and fatigue and it took her a moment to process the question.
“You said you gained insight…what did you see?” Cara’s voice was a whisper and Kahlan could tell she had struggled with whether or not to ask this question.
With difficulty, Kahlan turned over. She had become accustomed to the various pains and aches in her body, but every so often she’d aggravate one she hadn’t been aware of and the pain would seize her. She hated the expression that fleeted across Cara’s face every time it happened. Cara helped her to sit up and placed a simple, white sleeping shift over her head. Cara was wearing one too. She winced as the cloth hit her skin, but then sank back against the bed, looking up at Cara.
This was delicate; she knew that Cara was not adept at dealing with her feelings at the best of times. So to have revealed them while not quite herself was would be a lot to cope with. Kahlan waited for a moment, considering whether it was wise to broach this subject. They were both tired, both hurting. But left alone, she knew that one thing in particular would niggle at her. She reached out and tugged on Cara’s wrist, waiting until she lay down beside her, stretching out on her side. She brought her hand to Cara’s face, brushing her knuckles along her jaw.
“You’re enough for me, Cara,” she said. “You’re my equal in every sense. I don’t want or need you to be anything other than you.”
She watched as Cara tried not to react, but the twitch of her eyelid gave her away. Kahlan had hit a nerve. Kahlan kept up the tender caress of Cara’s face, never removing her eyes from the other woman’s. She could say more, give more reassurances, but she wanted Cara to speak first. She knew that might be a futile hope. Just as she was about to give up and let them both sleep, Cara spoke.
“You’re not meant for me.” Kahlan’s heart ached at the resignation in Cara’s voice, but she held herself back, waiting for her to continue. “We’re supposed to be enemies. Bards still tell stories about the epic love between you and the Seeker. People won’t write sonnets about a lowly Mord’Sith defiling the Mother Confessor.”
And there it was, that crippling insecurity that Cara tried so hard to disguise with bravado.
“Then we’ll write our own sonnets,” Kahlan told her. “Because our love may not be expected, or prophesied, but it’s real.” She shifted so that her hand was resting over Cara’s heart.
“I know, Kahlan,” Cara whispered, placing her own hand on Kahlan’s chest. “But…”
Kahlan felt something inside of her tighten at Cara’s hesitation.
“But what? I love you, Cara,” she whispered.
Cara’s eyes dipped, her thumb rubbing back and forward over Kahlan’s chest. “As long as the Mother Confessor’s pure heart beats…the Keeper is doomed to fail.”
Kahlan covered Cara’s hand with her own, pressing it harder against her flesh even though it hurt her to do so. “It’s beating. You can feel it.”
After a long, silent wait, Cara’s eyes came up to meet her own. “But is it pure?”
“Yes,” Kahlan said, leaving no room for doubt. “What is purer than love, Cara? It’s what a heart is for. The love I have for you is pure and it’s good.”
“But I’m neither of those things,” Cara said. “What if loving me has…what if the Keeper wins because I got in the way of…”
“Stop,” Kahlan warned. “What would you have me do? Go back to Richard? Live a life of pretence and artifice just in case you’ve somehow tainted my pure heart?”
Cara looked like she might be about to say yes to the entirely rhetorical question, so Kahlan cut her off.
“Guess what, Cara…if I went back to Richard, it wouldn’t stop me from feeling the way I feel about you. So if me loving you somehow invalidates Richard’s quest, then the quest is doomed already. And if I am to meet the Keeper then I will do so with my hand firmly holding yours, because there’s no going back.”
The Mord’Sith looked somewhat abashed at Kahlan’s impassioned speech. Her thumb continued to rub tiny circles into the skin of Kahlan’s chest and Kahlan knew that she was trying to find the words to reply.
“Well, if our love brings about the end of the world, I would imagine it would qualify as epic enough to have songs written about it.” The corner of her mouth turned up slightly. “If there were any bards left to write them.”
Kahlan smiled at Cara’s attempt at humour, but she shook her head.
“Cara…” she began, eliciting an eyeroll and a sigh.
“Fine.” Cara lifted their joined hands from Kahlan’s chest and brought them to her lips, kissing Kahlan’s knuckles. “We will work on the assumption that your heart is still pure, despite its apparent fondness for bad girls. And we will continue on our quest to save the world. And if we should fail, I will gladly spend eternity holding your hand. Because loving you is the purest and best thing I have ever done.”
She linked her fingers through Kahlan’s and squeezed gently to emphasise her words. Kahlan’s smile was bright and her eyes shone with unshed tears. She decided to take a lesson from Cara and keep the mood light.
“And to think it took me weeks to persuade you to hold my hand…and here you are swearing to do so for all eternity.”
“Looks like you finally got under my skin, Confessor,” Cara whispered.
It was a testament to how tired they were that neither of them moved to initiate an embrace. The fact that they were holding hands, and looking into each other’s eyes, was enough for the moment. The touching scene was broken when Kahlan yawned, a great, gaping yawn. She used her free hand to cover her mouth, her eyes going wide.
“I’m sorry, I…”
Cara just smiled and shook her head. “Sleep. I’ll be here.”
Kahlan’s eyelids grew heavier, just from hearing the word spoken aloud. She allowed them to droop closed for a moment.
“You’re too far away,” she muttered, eyes fluttering open. “I told you I wanted to sleep in your arms.”
“I…I don’t want to hurt you,” Cara admitted.
“You won’t,” Kahlan insisted. “Please?”
Cara’s brow creased in mock annoyance. “Somewhere along the line I appear to have become powerless to refuse your requests.” She was already moving, carefully climbing over Kahlan so that she was positioned behind her. “This must be what it feels like to be confessed.”
Tenderly, Cara’s arms came about her, sliding underneath her rib cage and encircling her torso. The salve had dulled the pain in her body and she shivered as she was drawn back against Cara, feeling completely safe and at home for the first time in days. She sighed in contentment.
“No, Cara,” she corrected. “This is what it feels like to be in love.”
A kiss was pressed against the back of her head and she thought she heard Cara mumble something about there being no difference. It echoed what her emotional half had expressed while trying to persuade Kahlan to confess her. Idly, Kahlan wondered where the line was between true love and confession.
Unbidden, another thought lodged itself in her consciousness and her eyes flew open. This one she really should keep to herself. She lay still, trying to will away the concerns. Obviously Cara picked up on the tension that had crept back into her body.
“Kahlan, go to sleep.”
She bit her lip. She knew she wouldn’t get to sleep if she didn’t ask.
“Cara?”
A sigh came from near her ear.
“Yes?”
“Am I…enough for you?”
She felt Cara’s arms tighten around her, ever so slightly. “You’re more than enough for me. And far more than I deserve. Now sleep.”
She smiled, but that wasn’t what she meant.
“Yes, but…I mean…when we’re…intimate. Do I…satisfy you?”
Cara shifted, pushing herself up so that she could see Kahlan’s face. Kahlan was heartened to see genuine confusion in Cara’s eyes. But she needed to hear the words.
“Kahlan, why would you even as-“ The confusion dissolved, replaced by a sad understanding. “She told you that you didn’t.”
Kahlan noted the change in the pronoun that Cara was using to describe her Mord’Sith half with satisfaction, but she nodded.
“She said that she had…appetites that I couldn’t…” She felt slightly foolish bringing this up. “And that she’d had to go to Richard for…”
“Richard?” Cara almost barked the name, her eyes wide in something like panic. “She was lying. Tell me she was lying.”
“I’d hoped she was…but no, I could tell from Richard that it was the truth,” Kahlan said, not wanting to hurt Cara, but feeling that they both deserved full disclosure.
Cara dropped down onto her back, the arm that wasn’t trapped under Kahlan thrown over her eyes. Kahlan turned over, slowly, and snuggled into Cara’s side, placing her head on her shoulder, a hand gently rubbing her abdomen through the thin shift.
“It wasn’t you,” Kahlan assured her. “I know that you don’t… think of him that way.”
It wasn’t a question, but Cara answered it anyway.
“For the first time in my life I don’t think of anyone in that way except you.” She lifted her arm off her face and turned so that she was looking at Kahlan. “And you satisfy all of my…‘appetites’.”
Kahlan breathed out, relieved. She pressed a kiss to Cara’s chest, through her shift.
“Good. Although I may have to threaten Richard a little for daring to touch my woman,” Kahlan could feel sleep tug at her again and she smothered a yawn, her eyes drifting closed, wondering if she’d be chastised for using any kind of possessive pronoun to refer to Cara.
“Yes. Any ire you have should be focused on Richard. He was of sound mind and should have stopped it,” Cara agreed and Kahlan smiled.
“Perhaps I’m being too hard on him,” she mumbled. “You are quite irresistible.“
“You’re going to tease me about this forever, aren’t you?” Cara grumbled.
Kahlan laughed softly and shook her head. “No. Strangely enough, I have no desire to picture you and Richard…doing that, if I can at all help it.”
“Good. Neither do I,” Cara agreed. “We should never speak of it again.”
“Besides,” Kahlan continued, flattening her hand against Cara’s stomach. “If I wanted to tease you, I have a wealth of topics I could choose from now, having spent time with your softer side.”
Cara sighed. “I can only imagine,” she said, affection rather than aggravation colouring her voice.
“I missed you. I don’t even think I realised how much until I got you back,” Kahlan murmured. “Don’t ever let something like this happen again.”
“I’ll try not to.” Cara said, amused. “And, to make it up to you, perhaps one day soon I’ll take you to these famous falls of yours. We’ll leave the wizard and the Seeker behind. I’m sure we can find them a puppy to rescue.”
“That’d be nice,” Kahlan murmured.
“But for now, you need to sleep,” Cara’s voice was soft and soothing. “I’ll be here with you.”
“Promise?” Kahlan was on the very edge of sleep.
Lips brushed against her forehead. “For as long as you’ll have me.”
Kahlan’s lips formed a smile as she let sleep take her, finally. “Always.”
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Date: 2011-05-18 11:48 pm (UTC)It is very, very hard not to love real Cara!!!!!!!